If you make mistakes in your education or career paths it’s your business. It doesn’t affect anybody. But if you make a mistake in marriage, it will affect innocent people that had nothing to do with that decision.
We must slow down on pregnancy outside marriage . Every child should have a father and a mother. The home setting is important to God so children will have mentoring and training. The bible says, ‘the two shall come together and become one’ and ‘as we behold, we become‘. What the child sees is what he naturally becomes.
When you choose a husband, you’re not just choosing a husband for yourself but a father for your children so don’t make selfish decisions and vice versa. You have to be careful when making this decision.Don’t be desperate for marriage. You don’t know what marriage is about but you’re desperate for it. It is work! Responsibility! Allow it happen naturally. There’s more to marriage beyond your age.
Move beyond the selfishness and desperation and open yourself to God’s intention. If you grow spiritually it will enhance the decision of making a right choice. A carnal person will make a carnal decision . Because you are looking for the wrong things you will miss the real opportunity.
God usually hides the good things. Not from us but for us.
Let’s be careful of terms we use. ‘we are going out’ ‘we are dating’.Lol. What does it mean to be dating? It is not in the scripture. Sometimes these kind of relationships have no bearing. They’re not defined. No commitment is involved in these kinds of relationships.
As a child of God you shouldn’t even get involved in these kind of relationships. No level of seriousness. Unrighteousness sets in. There’s no Scriptural backing for these kinds of relationships. Don’t look for hidden ways to commit sin.
Ladies beware of relationships that are not defined. As a child of God, you either have;
1. A friend. That is no commitment, no strings attached. You can go your way, I go my way. Everybody is free.
2. Betrothal or engagement. In today’s terms, courtship. it means a promise to marry or give in marriage. This is what is recognized in the scriptures. This is a committed relationship, headed to marriage. Matthew 1:18. The Courtship period is from the day you both agreed to marry till the time you both got married. It is inevitable. It is between two people of marriageable age who are in agreement to get married.
There are no in-betweens. It is either one of these 3 basic relationships we have going on in our lives.Don’t enter a relationship that is not clearly defined. Try and avoid anything that will not make it defined. The words must be clear beyond any doubt. Clearly spoken. No parables please. It is not everybody that enters your life that must be your spouse.
Learn to enjoy friendship. Learn to remove the pressures. Don’t go with the mindset to impress him so he will marry you and vice versa. Make sure there is genuine friendship. Let that thing grow out of genuine friendship because that is what will sustain your marriage. After the children have gone. It is the relationship that will keep you.
A few things you must do:
1. You must know the end from the beginning. If the man says he wants to marry you, if you’re interested ask him when. Some people’s timing don’t work with your own. This is why ‘when‘ is a smart question. Don’t enter indefinite courtship. If you know where you’re going in life, you are careful about who you want to join with yourself. You have a healthy self esteem. It’s not everybody that you want to play with. Don’t be desperate. Cool down with the rush. This helps you avoid distance relationships.You must make wise decisions. Ask important questions. That’s the law of vision!. There must be a tentative date. Vision helps planning. The longer the Courtship, the less likely it will lead to marriage.
2. Please make sure you don’t rush in too early. Take time to know yourself. Make sure you are grown, mature enough. The right decisions is the greatest step you will take towards having a happy marriage. If you marry some kind of people, no matter how much you try they will frustrate everything you do.
3. Courtship is not for trial and error. You ought to have done a lot of checking out before getting into the courtship it is not something you take likely. Take time to check yourselves out during friendship, take time to pray. Don’t forget yourself. Don’t close your eyes to the signs. Check to see if you can deal with it.
4. Don’t be afraid to step out of the relationship if it is not working. A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. You’re not entering for trial and error but if by any chance you see signs that make you afraid or make you see it cannot work, leave. Don’t say you will change him or her. Only God can truly change a person. Have you discovered how difficult it is to change yourself? Don’t try to fight for what doesn’t exist. If he doesn’t want you then let him go. He’s not committed now, why do you think he will be more committed in marriage? He’s not calling you now, why do you think he’ll start calling in marriage? You do all the calling, texting, visiting, buying, giving and you say you both are in love. Lol. You are, the other person is not. Let’s be careful. If you see clear problems. It is very okay to back down. It will be painful but move on. The pain you feel now is nothing compared to the pain of divorce.
5. There should be witnesses. Courtship is a serious thing and shouldn’t be a hidden affair. ‘a three fold cord is not easily broken’.God has ordained leaders that you can submit yourself too. Beware of a freelance. Someone that says it’s between me and you. Anybody that tries to isolate you can destroy you. Evil cannot happen in the public, it is always in a private place. Anybody that hates accountability is either always rebellious or has something to hide. If what you’re doing is right, you’re not ashamed to proclaim it.
6. Take time to pray together. Don’t do everything carnally. Spend time to pray and study God’s word together. We grow in love for whom we pray, to whom we pray and with whom we pray with. Both of you are trying to establish a family together it is a serious issue. A spiritual step. Don’t just be carnal. Also pray together, God will speak to you both. There is power in agreement. ‘what two shall agree upon shall be established‘. Make sure you choose the venue of the prayer wisely.
7. There should be counselling. ‘in the multitude of counselors there is safety‘. There is nothing you want to go through that somebody hasn’t gone through. Don’t dodge church procedures. When you’re involved in emotions, there are things you can’t see. This is why you need counselors. It is better to be old and be single than to be old and be divorced with a child or with a husband that hasn’t even fully divorced you. It will now be difficult to find another person.
8. Ask relevant questions. ‘the time of courtship is the time for interview not intercourse‘ – Bimbo Odukoya. Ask questions. Find out where they’re coming for, know about the person, find out basic things about their family background. Ask intelligent questions. Practical questions.
9. Make concrete plans. Things about your career, what you want to do with your life. The amount of children you want to have. Investments. Where are we going to live. This is to avoid distant marriage.
10. Set clear boundaries sexually. When you start sowing seeds, you might spoil future relationships. This world is so small. Until you are married no level of sexual pleasure is allowed. It is difficult to see a relationship that got broken and the partners were not sexually involved. Don’t burn the candle you’re supposed to burn in marriage now. It is possible you get bored. The man that cannot control himself in courtship, why do you think he will control himself in marriage? Anything you cannot do publicly and before God is a sin. Determine some kind of places and times you cannot be together alone. Have more important things you must do with your lives. Do creative things. Do something important.
11. Practice the marriage without the sex. Practice the roles. This is what Courtship is for. If she’s not submitting to you now in Courtship why do you think she will submit in marriage? Check whether the man is mature. Is he a mummy’s boy?
12. Be careful about unnecessary third party interference. Be careful of people being involved, concerned and interfering. Do not involve family and relations too early.
13. Take time to educate yourselves.this is also what you should do in Courtship. Use every opportunity to educate yourself. Being a man and a woman naturally, there will be differences. Spend time to talk. Never loose the opportunity to educate your spouse. Simple things like letting your spouse know what to do when you are angry if you don’t let him or her know, they will not know what to do. People are different. You must take time to educate yourselves. The adjustments you must make comes by education. Use every opportunity. Some other people use this opportunities to quarrel, use yours to educate. These are the things that still cause problems in marriage because there is no communication.